During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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