john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
how does that bad decision feel?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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