I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
