Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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