saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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