I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
