vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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