i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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