My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
