he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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