Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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