I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
