forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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