I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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