U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
