I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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