What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
