first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
