i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
