Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
