i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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