I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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