So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
