Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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