Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize