apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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