i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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