so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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