when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
