While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
