I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
