I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My vagina just clenched in fear
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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