No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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