you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
