did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
