tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
