Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
