An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
