why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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