really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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