So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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