Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
