mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
