i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She's the barista slut.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
