Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
