I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
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So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
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Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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