you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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