I want to make a zoo with you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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