the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
