They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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