Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
