All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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