I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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