I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
