today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I want a musical about memes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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