i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
