i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Apparently you make a good broom.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
